| My *real* life... |
[07 Jun 2008|04:41am] |
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art credits to 'larafairie & *behindinfinity
Sometimes I forget that the time I meander through every day is my life. The minutes I squander while idly checking my e-mails, staring into the refrigerator, and flossing my teeth: all my life. But in my head there's this alternative, mirror reality that in some form or fashion I'm working my way towards. My "one day" life...my "real" life.
In that life, I'm never sluggish or tired, there are no bad hair days, I weigh about 30 pounds less than I do, and everything I write is positively riveting, inspiring, and garners responses from readers all around the world. I would have spectacular friends and we'd go out and be fabulous. Not to say that life is perfect in this parallel universe...but just sort of manageably imperfect. There would still be struggle, but the fight would always be worth it somehow. There would be tragedy, but it would be poetic. There would still be sadness, but it would be brilliant, heart-breaking tragedy that actually made you more thankful for the other blessings in your life. Nothing would be pointless or boring. There would be only minor frustration, but always resolved with some impetus. Things could be changed if you had heart. In that life, you really CAN be anything you want to be...and all it would take is faith and passion.
Parts of me believes in some of this, some of the time. Some of the time, I *do* feel -that- powerful and capable and simply, able. In fact, I don't even worry that much about things I ought to be worried about because I do feel a certain amount of invincibility. But I guess the point of this blog is that I worry that I might be wrong...like being a precocious child who suddenly learns she actually doesn't know everything.
I always feel too big for myself and this life. Like I don't have enough space to breathe...like my aura is bigger than my body...like I'm gasping for air. I just need a little space...room to grow...or something. I don't know. I love my life; it's everything I could ask for and still pleasantly surprises me in ways. But I can't help but feel like there's still something more. Something bigger. Something on the horizon.
But what?
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| I perfected the clever overuse of analogy by listening to my father's lectures. |
[04 Jun 2008|10:34pm] |
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edited from a photograph by dan heller
Aaron and I have been dating for ten years now and through the ups and downs and in-betweens, truly the most trying times have been the past months we've been engaged. Some people view engagement as a plateau: a resting place after the chase, the climb and rappelling of dating. But really, it's been a steep, nearly 90 degree incline where the crag is slippery and footing is most unsure. It's the *real* test...when you're slowly climbing, watching your single life disappear further and further away below you, almost obscured by the mist, but you can't see married life because you're not yet past the clouds. It's the foggiest of times and you're hanging onto one another for dear life, unable to clearly see the past or the future and you're absolutely sure you're going to plummet to your death before you even make it to the altar.
One would think that being in each other's lives in a major way for a decade would have us fairly prepared for the next logical step of committing ourselves to one another for all eternity. But in the past few months, I've learned more about forgiveness and pride, self-sacrifice and self-preservation, love and what love is worth than I've ever known. We are, for the first time, not pretending...not trying to impress the other person...being real...and realizing that it's possible to be so vulnerable that you let down all your walls and stop being scared of losing yourself.
Because with the right person, you won't lose yourself, you'll gain someone else.
Can't wait to see the view when we finally get to the next ledge.
{http://www.eight8eight.org}
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| Engagement Photos! |
[23 May 2008|10:06pm] |
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ENGAGEMENT PHOTOS!!
May 21, 2008: Our engagement photos! {I wanted to shoot them since I won't be able to shoot my own wedding - though I plan on trying} We hope you enjoy them; we tried our best to make sure they reflected our personalities as well as the energy and excitement we feel about getting married.
( Take a look! )
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| We took engagement photos yesterday! |
[22 May 2008|06:59pm] |
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train under water // bright eyes |
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He's just so dastardly.
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| On leaving and punctuation marks. |
[20 May 2008|12:40am] |
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 {FOUR-ish} |
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All I Ask // Vanessa Carlton |
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I miss the smell and the adrenaline rush of getting lost in a new city. Everything feels so fresh, so vibrant, so new to your eyes. All of your senses kick into the highest gear to absorb all the new information: your eyes focus and pan and squint, adjusting f-stops to clearly read every sign. Your ears strain to capture the tiny chirps of foreign birds and the rugged sound of gravel underfoot. Scents from delicatessens waft about, fresh bread and pungent garlic quickly noted by your nose and activating your appetite. I miss traveling; it's a kind of getting lost that always feels more exciting than anxious.
Recently, I found myself at more crossroads than I believe humans are designed to bear...and I've been attempting to reconcile wants, needs, sacrifices, and dreams. This is the year that I am to become a Mrs. and while I have typically balked at most types of tradition and traditional ideas of commitment, it's one change that's bringing about peace in my heart. I'm excited, but it's a quiet excitement. One that moreso reflects on our history: a love that has grown up together, seen life and death, success and failure, heartache and joy...and while most people view marriage as a beginning, from my vantage point it feels like a nostalgic but beautiful end of an era. A period (or exclamation point) at the end of an eleven-year long run-on sentence. It's very fitting and I'm ... happy. It's strange to write that.
But the punctuation I'm more concerned with are the big question marks. Do we stay and start a very big but promising endeavor with several friends that could potentially anchor us indefinitely to our hometown? What about our familial responsibilities? Do I take off on any of the career opportunities presented to me? Schools? Do we run away to the city on the opposite coast or is it just a different set for the same play? Do we invest our time, our money, our creativity into building a house and a home? Do we risk spoiling and shattering our perfect visions of our dream cities by putting them to the test of daily ennui? When do we start...planning for...a family? Do we venture off to another country, bartering our boredom for the struggle of learning new ways to say the same old thing? Do we go anywhere else just to put off our problems by presenting ourselves with the ones we've already conquered in our own city...is that the definition of adventure?
I am thinking of picking up the bass guitar.
I just ordered a million bits of piano sheet music.
I am blessed to have options.
I like this person(ality).
She's quiet and introspective.
She's easily moved by music.
She craves playing the piano.
If in the middle of a vital conversation I chose not to listen, would that be okay? And if in the middle of a heated confrontation, I chose not to, would that be okay? And if I love you without reference to occasion, would you run away?
♥
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| Love the girl who holds the world in a paper cup. |
[14 May 2008|05:18pm] |
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I am apparently too lazy even to twitter...although I think my twittering days are numbered, if not highly limited. I'm disgusted by the lack of real content in my blog. Including this post.
It's all very vomit-making.
As pretentious as it sounds, I've been to busy having a "real" life to bother updating my internet one, but it leaves this precious void in the center of my heart (just left of my hard drive). I want to post things about how busy I've been planning my wedding, how incredible the band has been doing and all the upcoming projects and the summer tour we're about to embark on, my thoughts on the poor earthquake-shaken people of China (and a social commentary on what sick, self-absorbed slobs we Americans are), thoughts about buildings and community-making, details of wild-goose chases trying to find to-be Navymen, photos of my rearranged room and my new makeup brushes and my little wooden New York City skyline, introverted introspections about my friends and people who have been my friends and people who would be, the inflated feeling of hope I have when I think about Cornerstone 2008 and once again fulfilling my purpose by helping others, feeding homeless, and living my life submerged and suffocated in art in skirts covered in paint splatters, developer and fix, and bits of dried clay. And a million other things that cross my mind every single day.
I want to write it all down.
I want to take photos and have the time to edit them and post them.
I (really do) wish I had the time to teach you how to knit. :D
I want to write reviews of the movies I've seen.
I want to record myself singing all these obscure little ditties I've unearthed on burned CDs in the depths of other peoples' glove compartments, in dusty tape decks, and via random myspace friend requests.
Sick for two and a half weeks. No energy.
Can't sing. Can't write. Can't breathe properly.
Have spent the past 48 hours doing it anyway.
Here's to doing it anyway.
Love the girl who holds the world in a paper cup, drink it up,
Love her and she'll bring you luck.
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| Daily Tweets: updates on the go |
[05 May 2008|10:35pm] |
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<3ninakr!stine
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| I'm marrying a monkey... |
[02 May 2008|10:35pm] |
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...but he's a cute monkey...!<3ninakr!stine
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| So, Mraz...where da gold at? |
[01 May 2008|06:11pm] |
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butterfly // jason mraz |
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the likeness is just uncanny.A million lifetimes ago, I used to go to school in the charming little town of Mobile, Al {for those foreign to the South, note that I say "charming" with a bit of a drawl and a bit of a scowl} and while it *could* be famed for beautiful beaches, delicious pralines, or even being the TRUE home of Mardi Gras {look it up, it's true} - the thing that really put us on the map was the sighting of a leprechaun in the ghetto. No, not kidding. It was on the news:
And then there was a rap song...uh-huh...I'm serious. And a fansite {http://www.wherethegoldat.com/}. So imagine my surprise when I see my beloved Jason Mraz's new album come out and the striking resemblance hits me full force! I thought back to when Amy and I went to a Mraz show in Mobile...all the pieces are adding up!
Everybody still thinks it's a crackhead who got 'hol the wrong stuff.
I know better: it wasn't a leprechaun, it was the wizard of ooh's and ahh's and falala's.
But don't worry, Jason. Your secret's safe with me.
...psst...where da gold at?
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| Polygamy: A Family Rights Thing? |
[20 Apr 2008|02:32pm] |
( A friend's blog, sorta pro-polygamy. )
A friend of mine wrote a very interesting blog that demanded a response. I figured I'd pose both the original post as well as my response and see about some other opinions to try to flesh this thing out. My response:Good blog, Tashina. Good blog. If there's ever been anything you and I agree on, it's been inalienable rights, woman's rights, animal rights, baby rights, pretty much all the rights no matter how left that seems.
I see your point and have to agree. Mostly.
My grandfather believed in polygamy as per his religion, but not in the sense most people think of when they think of polygamy. He had three wives (my grandmother was 2), but it was more like divorce as he wouldn't continue to be sexually involved with the first or second wife once the third one came along. However, they all knew of each other, the kids went to school together, and he monetarily provided for all of their needs from housing to clothes and food, etc. It's very much like the current American society's model of divorce/child support, except seemingly more responsible and honorable, for what it is.
So on that level, I do agree that there can be many forms of family, even in the case where there are current multiple partners in a marriage (even though I couldn't do it, I don't doubt there are people who could). Even though from a religious standpoint, I don't condone it, I don't think it should be any more illegal than one night stands.
However, I do think that there is some concern for the underage girls who are sometimes unwillingly forced into marriage. I'm surprised that your stance seems opposite of that. I think in the case of children, overprotection is the side to err on, even if a 14-year-old girl "wants" to marry a 56-year-old man. Although there are some extremely mature 14-year-olds who probably DO truly know what they want, I believe the law should err on the side of prohibition for the lowest common denominator of 14-year-olds who don't know any better and cannot be held fully accountable yet as to their "wants." Make sense?
I know *I* was a very grown-up 14-year-old (and don't we know a whole LOT of those) but I wasn't given full freedom to express that "grown-upness" and with good reason. I don't at all see a problem with a prolonged innocence, which is definitely different from a prolonged childhood. And the innocence is what I think they're ~really~ robbing these young girls of. One can be prepared for the act of raising children without having to act on it.
From what I've read (both in the media and in releases made by LDS and the polygamist sects), it seems like these girls are given very little choice in the matter and are simply doing what they believe their religion demands of them. Growing up Catholic and living in a Southern Protestant wasteland riddled with guilt and obligation has instilled a sense of duty to my religion and country, but having a choice and being sure others have a choice has always been most important.
Anyway, those are my two cents (and two kudos for a very very intelligent, brave, and poignant blog). Thoughts? And one final question:
Why is THIS generally accepted as "hot":
 | But THIS is creepy and wrong?
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How strange that we as a society have glorified sex and multiple sexual partners, but not the idea of all those partners coming together to take responsibility for the results of sex (children, the most common consequence of sex. lol). As a whole, we generally think it's perfectly acceptable to share lust with as many people as we can, but not love?
( one more funny bit. )
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| Daily Tweets: JAIL. |
[19 Apr 2008|10:37pm] |
is all you need. well, that and bail.<3ninakr!stine
p.s. camera phone photo.
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| Daily Tweets: WISDOM |
[15 Apr 2008|11:07pm] |
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lovefoxxx, i love you.<3ninakr!stine
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| Daily Tweets: ABSINTHE |
[11 Apr 2008|10:36pm] |
<3ninakr!stine
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| Anyone wanna buy this for me...? |
[10 Apr 2008|01:00am] |
available at http://www.engraveyourbook.com
So this place has started selling LASER-ENGRAVED Moleskine notebooks.
I am salivating.
Someone buy me one or I might have to start some kind of lucrative webcam business.
x♥x♥
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| Daily Tweets: RENT |
[08 Apr 2008|10:36pm] |
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music |
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another day // R E N T !! |
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On our way to RENT + Aaron's new mohawk (down)!<3ninakr!stine
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| Daily Tweets: updates on the go |
[28 Mar 2008|10:37pm] |
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<3ninakr!stine
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| Daily Tweets: ALPERT |
[27 Mar 2008|10:40pm] |
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daily photo // monty approves of alpert, the TLR<3ninakr!stine
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aggravated with jon ravey
creative
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