I've been staring at this blank slate of 2010 for eighteen days, fifteen hours, and eighteen minutes wondering when I was going to take off. When this new year full of potential was going to light some kind of fire and make me feel brand new. A new year, a new decade, all here in my new city. But it's gotten to the point where I have so many ideas that it overwhelms me, so much creativity that it stifles me, so many plans that I get buried by all the todo lists and strained by the pull of everyone wanting me to help them, to show up, to be there, to run this, to tell them what to do. And I like being asked of, I just despise disappointing people. Nobody knows how much I beat myself up for failing them...whether it's declining an invitation, missing a phone call, showing up late, or not having the answer.
But more recently, my trouble hasn't been so much in disappointing others, but in disappointing myself. The things that make me satisfied the most are in creating things, making people think, causing a reaction. I make people read aloud what I write because I want to hear their purest reaction, embedded in their voices. Because if what I've created doesn't incite a riot within them, burning to come out, then what am I but pointless static?
I'm forcing myself to write here, write in my other blog (http://www.keepfalling.com), write in my journal, write in my planner, take photos, make phone calls, create, create, create, film, learn, read, practice, stretch, sing, sew, explore, cook, attend, organize, connect. My new year's resolution is "DO IT NOW." I had a slew of the typical self-improvement desires one has at the beginning of any new year: I will work out more often, I will volunteer, I will not skip class, etc. But much like last year's successful resolution ("I will only eat at locally-owned, non-corporate chain restaurants.") a specific one-liner is much easier to follow. So where I might say, "I'll get a nap before taking out the trash," I instead say, "Do it now." It's slowly working, fighting against my inborn ability to find loopholes: "I should totally do a nap now..."
In that spirit, I'm writing here, right now. I don't think it's very good. But it's done.
Hopefully it gets better.