Current mood:

restless

My *real* life...

^{art credits to 'larafairie & *behindinfinity}

Sometimes I forget that the time I meander through every day is my life. The minutes I squander while idly checking my e-mails, staring into the refrigerator, and flossing my teeth: all my life. But in my head there's this alternative, mirror reality that in some form or fashion I'm working my way towards. My "one day" life...my "real" life.

In that life, I'm never sluggish or tired, there are no bad hair days, I weigh about 30 pounds less than I do, and everything I write is positively riveting, inspiring, and garners responses from readers all around the world. I would have spectacular friends and we'd go out and be fabulous. Not to say that life is perfect in this parallel universe...but just sort of manageably imperfect. There would still be struggle, but the fight would always be worth it somehow. There would be tragedy, but it would be poetic. There would still be sadness, but it would be brilliant, heart-breaking tragedy that actually made you more thankful for the other blessings in your life. Nothing would be pointless or boring. There would be only minor frustration, but always resolved with some impetus. Things could be changed if you had heart. In that life, you really CAN be anything you want to be...and all it would take is faith and passion.

Parts of me believes in some of this, some of the time. Some of the time, I *do* feel -that- powerful and capable and simply, able. In fact, I don't even worry that much about things I ought to be worried about because I do feel a certain amount of invincibility. But I guess the point of this blog is that I worry that I might be wrong...like being a precocious child who suddenly learns she actually doesn't know everything.

I always feel too big for myself and this life. Like I don't have enough space to breathe...like my aura is bigger than my body...like I'm gasping for air. I just need a little space...room to grow...or something. I don't know. I love my life; it's everything I could ask for and still pleasantly surprises me in ways. But I can't help but feel like there's still something more. Something bigger. Something on the horizon.

But what?